32w5d

And people who see me weekly are still just noticing that I'm pregnant. Really, people, I like food, but not that much.

Baby Crack

Husband: What are you looking at?

Me: They call it Baby Crack on the Bump. We need to buy it.

Husband: Whoa whoa whoa. Baby crack? I don't like the sound of that.

Me: It's a sound and light machine, Husband. It helps the baby sleep.

Husband: Um not gonna happen. Baby crack?? What is it, like a narcolepsy machine? Is this going to make the baby fall asleep at the wheel at age 18 when s/he hears a certain song on the radio?

Me: IT'S A WHITE NOISE MACHINE. YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT.

Husband: There will be no Baby Crack in this house.

More crazy pregnancy dreams.

Most of them are too racy to print, but this one is PG at most.

A bum, accompanied by a pathetic-looking Golden Retriever/Irish Setter mix, confronted Husband and I in the alley, exclaiming, "They give me money at the bank if I have a dog!" I snatch the dog and the money from him, and go to a store to get dog food and some bread and peanut butter from the man. I am plagued by thoughts of salmonella-infected peanut butter (although I know the peanut butter is safe) and can't choose a dog food for the life of me. Plus, the man only had $17 or so. To add to this, I am being stalked by someone who looks eerily like one of my professors, who wants to steal the dog back, and the stock boy won't stop flirting.

Does the new stimulus package contain a provision about giving homeless people money if they have a dog?

Barbed wire compliments.

"You're PREGNANT? I totally had no idea!!"

"Hmmm... since I've gained 20 pounds, I'm gathering that you just thought I was getting fat. Thanks??"

Fabulous.

All kinds of fun.

So, my easy pregnancy streak is over. I have SPD. My pubic bone is separating (normal) and it really hurts (not normal). The physical therapist at my doctor's office told me to pretend I am wearing an '80s miniskirt - short, tight, etc. - and act as I would wearing the miniskirt. So, I have to try to keep my legs together all the time so as to keep my pelvic bones in line.

As of two days ago, my left hip is also rebelling - my femur seems to be trying to branch out on its own.

Dear Left Hip Bone,

You MUST stay connected to my body. No one cares about your independence or your hopes and dreams. For now, you must stay on the island.

Love,
Me

These had better be the fastest next 10 weeks of my life.

Freakish growth.

How is it possible that this kid grew so much in 5 weeks? At week 23, I barely had anything in the form of a baby bump. Then, at 24 weeks, right before Christmas, I sort of popped. I say "sort of" because it kept growing so it was definitely noticeable on New Years' Eve, and now, at 28 weeks, I feel huge. Bye-bye, normal ab muscles. Hello, ridiculous pelvic pain. Still no comments from strangers, though.

I went to the doctor today - baby's HB was 138. My weight was an ungodly number to accompany the crazy abdominal growth (why, why don't they have you take off your shoes? I'm going to pretend that mine weigh, oh, 10-20 pounds or so.)

My pelvis and I will just sit here and get kicked unrelentlessly... per Husband, baby is busy practicing 1) door slamming if she's a girl, or 2) goal kicks if he's a boy. I can't wait until he has a soccer-playing daughter and a slams-doors-off-hinges son.

Oh, and my latest nightmare - someone ate BOTH cartons of Rocky Road that were occupying my freezer. And yes, that is a serious, serious nightmare. I had to check to make sure they were still there when I woke up. Luckily for all parties in the house, they were.

Watch out, boys!

Me: Hey, Husband, are you going to be scary when guys come to pick up your daughters for dates?

(Pause)

Husband: Well, that's not the right question, because my daughters won't be dating. EVER.

Me: Hahaha, be serious.

Husband: I AM BEING SERIOUS.